So, I started this blog because I was inspired by Must be This Tall to Ride. Here’s a man that’s trying to understand where he went wrong in his marriage and how he can help other men – and even himself.
I got to thinking, “Can I help others understand relationships from a woman’s side?” and “why can’t men and women just understand each other?”. What is it that makes men and women tick and how does this impact their marriage? Can I share my experience with failed relationships and my soon-to-be-marriage and get people working on and thinking about what it is that’s causing so many divorces?
Well….here’s my first topic (read: struggle)
Men Just Don’t Mind the Details
This is a big one future-hubs and I have been working on lately. He needs to feel that I trust him to make decisions on his own and support him in those decisions. I’m honestly trying. You must also note that we have discussions about this, sometimes heated, but not screaming matches – we’re just not that kind of couple.
So, here’s my issue: he’s got a track record of making some awful decisions, and if I hadn’t caught them, who knows what would have happened.
Example 1: We discussed how much we would spend on gifts for our wedding party. He later told me he was buying tickets to a sporting event for his groomsmen, and I thought it was a great idea. I know as must about sports as he knows about quantum physics, and he’s aware of this. I assumed he remembered and would stick to the budget. I find out after the tickets have been purchased A) they’re about 4-5 times the cost we had agreed on per person, B) only 2 of 4 groomsmen are going as the 2 that aren’t don’t like this team, and C) 1 of the guys invited isn’t even a groomsman but rather a friend of my Fiancé that happened to like this local team. Now, either we must be cheap with gifts for the rest of the wedding party and risk hurt feelings over what each received, or throw a bunch of money at the problem to correct it, paying an approximately equal amount for each person’s gift.
Example 2: As we are DIY-ing so much of our wedding to keep on budget, planning has been a lot of work. Fiancé kindly offered to take charge of the items we were ordering online. Great! He suggests we have items delivered to his parents’ home; they have much more space than we do and are generously offering to store wedding stuff for us. Also Great! As items start to arrive, he goes over to his parents’ home to check them out. Fantastic! However, when I finally ask specifically about items that must be checked over and reported back to the seller as received and satisfactory, I find out these items probably had arrived at his parents’ weeks ago. What? He knew the policy. What’s he thinking? What does he mean by Probably? No matter, better late than never, right? I ask he bring them home when he can for us to check over. (See, I’m already not trusting him to check and count all the stuff himself.) Poor guy gets flustered and leaves for his parents’ right away. 10 minutes later I get a call (they live close to us) – he’s opened all the boxes that came to find 1 of them didn’t contain the quantity we ordered. Yes, he had been looking at the boxes as each arrived, never having opened one. He really had no idea of much of what was in each box.
There are far more examples like these, but I’ll save you having to read them all.
I’m not saying I don’t mess up, I do all the time. I just catch myself or manage to reduce the damage. I also mess up stuff like forgetting to get cucumber at the grocery store – not blowing the budget or giving the OK to parcels I’ve never opened. So what do I do about this? Is it really a big deal? Nobody died because we were missing some stuff from an order. Why do I care?
Because it means more work for me.
Now I am late confirming I’ve received stuff. Now I have to fix the quantity issue (Fiancé actually fixed this and I was extremely grateful!). If I hadn’t found these problems now, it would have been more difficult to fix everything later.
Fiancé suggested I should have been more specific regarding my expectations for the parcels. Ok, maybe he’s right, but I could swear most people would open boxes and note what was in them. Am I unrealistic for assuming that? And if I have to give a full break down of how I want parcels managed, and keep an eye on the process, wouldn’t it be more efficient just to do it all myself?
If I was watching everything he was doing with the sports tickets, what’s the point of him taking the task on? Isn’t a budget a budget? If you’re going to spend 4-5 times what you agreed on, wouldn’t you tell your partner? Wouldn’t you hesitate to buy those tickets?
So, I think we’ve boiled this down to the key problem. Wives like their husbands to say “I’ve got this” and really handle it – and not have unexpected surprises later. Little oopsies are ok. Regularly occurring, medium to large oopsies are not good. I suppose frequent little oopsies are bad too. Husband, you’re a smart guy, you have a job, you do it well, you have friends, you arrange meet-ups with them. You like sports, you follow your teams, you follow trades, you follow play-off spots. You follow video game development and gaming platform innovations. Your wife just wants you to keep on top of what’s happening at home too.
You take your day job seriously, so what about your home job?
Throw some ideas at me people, I’d love to hear ‘em!